Don’t touch me. Don’t kiss me. Don’t ask me where I’ve been. In the beginning, I told you there were conditions.

And you said that they were okay. Minor inconveniences. You’d barely notice them at all. You’d seen worse.

With your ex, the one who told you he’d marry you maybe, if he didn’t find someone better. You made a stupid pact.

You said that you’d wised up, realized that there were terms you couldn’t live with. You seem to be heading in that direction with me right now.

But what I said to you about wanting to be with you, that was real and true. You said you understood that some nights I had to be outside, doing what we would not speak of. After all, every couple has its secrets.

You said that you wouldn’t follow, wouldn’t watch, wouldn’t stand by the window like a sad modern Penelope waiting for her wayward Odysseus to return.

We are all born broken. Some more than most. You think that you can domesticate me with your garbage new age 12 step programs. But some urges are primal and ancient. Pre-civilization, there was the wilderness and me, and these urges I have, they won’t be denied.

When I’m out there, I’m not the me you know, the one who holds you tenderly and covers you in kisses. I can’t tell you more. If you keep asking, keep pushing, you will be the stupid girl in the horror movie who goes out to investigate alone. The forgotten one who never returns.

Stay in the house. Keep the doors locked. Shut the blinds.

Once you see, you can’t unsee. And, if we pass the point of no return, everything we’ve worked so hard to build will crumble. My dear, all marriages are built on illusions. Don’t pretend ours is any different.

If I show you more, it will destroy you. But I won’t die. I can’t die. But I’ll miss you and mourn you.

Just know that I wanted you to be the last. What happens now is up to you.

You can close your eyes, get under the covers, wait till the wind passes and the light shines.

Mornings, you can come to me and hold me. But nights, my darling, you must stay away. Stay inside. Stay safe. Because I’d hate to have to tear you apart.