Two friends hang out on a Buffalo rooftop and talk about grief and Halloween costumes. One of them is dressed like Jon Snow… kind of.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Young Woman

Young Man

TIME: Now, October in the middle of the night.

SETTING: A rooftop.

(As the lights come up, two young people are on a rooftop overlooking Buffalo.)

YOUNG WOMAN

Your text said—and I quote—“It’s an emergency. Plz come to my rooftop.” So, what’s the emergency?

YOUNG MAN

Did you read the news today?

YOUNG WOMAN

I glanced at the headlines. Breezed through the editorials. Hot takes on progress. Stuff about public schools. Trump did something stupid. Ad infinitum.

YOUNG MAN

Did you read the obituaries?

YOUNG WOMAN

You know I don’t read those freelance poems. They hurt my brain, they burn holes in my eyes—then the bugs come crawling in.

YOUNG MAN

You remember Sam?

YOUNG WOMAN

Girl or boy?

YOUNG MAN

Boy. Remember that party on Grant a few years back? We got really drunk.

YOUNG WOMAN

We always get really drunk.

YOUNG MAN

Yeah, but we were a special kind of drunk at that party. We put you in a shopping cart and pushed you off the top porch. Remember?

YOUNG WOMAN

Didn’t I break my arm?

YOUNG MAN

It doesn’t matter. Well, Sam was the one who brought the shopping cart and he’s dead. They think he overdosed.

YOUNG WOMAN

I remember now! I did break my arm. I didn’t know I broke my arm until after the bender was done. I used to be so impervious to pain.

YOUNG MAN

Sam’s dead and it got me thinking…

(He puts on a black fur coat.)

Winter is coming.

YOUNG WOMAN

It’s not even cold out. What are you talking about? And what is with the dumb coat?

YOUNG MAN

I’m not talking about the weather.

YOUNG WOMAN

Then what are you talking about? 

YOUNG MAN

I’m practicing.

YOUNG WOMAN

When did you start caring about being good at something? 

YOUNG MAN

I’m practicing for Halloween. 

YOUNG WOMAN

You can’t be good at Halloween. Ghosts will always beat you at it, Sam’s beating you at it—and you’re not a ghost…unless you died too and just didn’t tell me. How did you die then?

YOUNG MAN

It was a freak accident. I fell asleep with the laptop on my chest and it burst into flames. Something was wrong with its battery. It caught on fire and then I caught on fire. My spirit immediately left my body. I watched my bones turn to ash. Weird, huh? All I kept thinking was, “The last thing you ever saw was your ex’s Facebook page, scrolling through pictures of her and her new boyfriend. Your last thought was, “They are getting way more likes as a couple.” Sad, right?

YOUNG WOMAN

I had a feeling you were a ghost. I have a knack for this sort of thing. My mom always tells me I should be a ghost hunter. You know, have my own TV show. I’m glad she still believes in me. That’s more than I can say about you. You never encourage me in my ghost hunting.

YOUNG MAN

I am the watcher on the walls.

YOUNG WOMAN

What are we watching? Buffalo at night? All I see are empty condos, which look like tombs when they remove the mummies, but we don’t even have mummies here, because we don’t honor the dead. Junkies eating calzones in the backs of abandoned police cars. Superfreaks looking for the grave of Rick James, but our cemeteries are full. There’s no dancing anymore. This coke’s gone bad. Speaking of which, you got any?

YOUNG MAN

How can you think of getting high at a time like this, especially when everyone we know is getting low? And you know I don’t do that stuff anymore. Jon Snow doesn’t get high. He fights death.

YOUNG WOMAN

He’s not even the best character on Game of Thrones! He fights death and loses.

YOUNG MAN

But he comes back from the dead.

YOUNG WOMAN

He fucks his aunt. 

YOUNG MAN

But she’s the Mother of Dragons.

YOUNG WOMAN

How should I put this? You’re not Jon Snow, you idiot! You don’t fight death. You don’t fuck your aunt—who, by the way, is the Mother of Feral Cats in North Tonawanda. You’re not that sexually perverse. And you’re definitely no hero.

YOUNG MAN

And you think you’re a hero? The free folk will never follow you. When was the last time you dressed up for Halloween?

YOUNG WOMAN

I haven’t dressed up for Halloween in a long, long time, because it’s stupid. And you’re stupid for thinking you can pull off Jon Snow. You can’t. You don’t have the bone structure.

YOUNG MAN

What’s wrong with my bones?

YOUNG WOMAN

He’s a good-looking dude. Jon Snow has cheekbones that could kill.

YOUNG MAN

You don’t think I’m good looking?

YOUNG WOMAN

I don’t, no offense. Have you ever looked at your cheekbones? Your jawline? What do you see?

YOUNG MAN

I see bones that work hard. I think you’re just jealous.

YOUNG WOMAN

What exactly am I jealous of? You’re like…Buffalo. Not the worst, not the best. It’s not gonna turn heads when it walks into a room, but it’s never not gonna be invited to the party—know what I mean? You should be Buffalo for Halloween. Now that makes more sense, don’t you think? 

YOUNG MAN

What does a “Buffalo costume” even look like? Is it something you buy secondhand? Can I go to Party City and point at a picture on the wall and say, “Give me that”?

YOUNG WOMAN

Now you’re being ridiculous—it’s not that easy. Seriously, how many of our friends have overdosed? Sam the shopping cart man isn’t the only one. The perfect Buffalo Halloween deals with all of that, you follow?

YOUNG MAN

Everyday there’s a new Facebook post about somebody we partied with who’s dead—and it’s like I wanna break my smartphone for every obituary I read, but I don’t make enough money to buy a new phone every time. 

YOUNG WOMAN

You suck at grief, you know that? There’s never not a day we’re not grieving. You should be better at it by now. Take off the fur! We need to honor the dead, not fight death.

YOUNG MAN

It’s a war out there and I’m ready. I’ve had enough, haven’t you?

YOUNG WOMAN

Are we going to fight? Is that why you invited me over?

YOUNG MAN

I’m practicing.

YOUNG WOMAN

I don’t think you are. You’re finally losing your mind, aren’t you?

YOUNG MAN

I’m just getting into the Halloween spirit. It’s not my fault that everybody’s disappearing. Even if it’s just a costume, this city needs a hero who’ll fight back the cold. One night, that’s all I’m asking for—and you’re being an asshole about it.

YOUNG WOMAN

There are better ways to save Buffalo than dressing up like a bastard, right?

YOUNG MAN

What the hell do you know about being a bastard?

YOUNG WOMAN

Why can’t you just dress like Buffalo for Halloween? Don’t be sensitive. I’m offering you a solution for your grief.

YOUNG MAN

Don’t be toxic. You’re always poisoning the air. You make carbon monoxide detectors sing. Why don’t you hear them?

YOUNG WOMAN

Take off the fur. Or I’ll do it for you. 

YOUNG MAN

Night gathers, and now my watch begins. Try your best. I dare you. What are you doing to make Buffalo a better place?

YOUNG WOMAN

I see the truth. Buffalo’s a bunch of secondhand parts stitched together, nobody believes me though, so if you want to dress like her for Halloween, you need to look like a rag doll. You’d make an adorable rag doll. Give it a shot. You can thank me later.

YOUNG MAN

You think you have all the answers, don’t you? Let’s end this the old way. You against me.

(YOUNG MAN takes out a sword.)

YOUNG WOMAN

Where’d you get that sword?

YOUNG MAN

My father told me big men fall just as quick as little ones if you put a sword through their hearts.

YOUNG WOMAN

You didn’t even have a father. What world are you living in?

YOUNG MAN

A world that needs a lot of help, a paper shredding time machine that reverses obituaries. Is that too much to ask?

YOUNG WOMAN

Hear me out…we should take our dead friends’ clothes—what they used to wear—and rip them to shreds, throw them into a big pile, and then needle them back together again. A shirt sleeve here, a pant leg there. It would be beautiful, don’t you think?

YOUNG MAN

I’m not gonna wear our dead friends’ clothes. I have a fur coat and this sword.

YOUNG WOMAN

C’mon, be a ragdoll composed of Buffalo’s leftover parts. You can start with me.

(YOUNG WOMAN takes off her shirt and tries ripping it into pieces.)

YOUNG MAN

Don’t take off your clothes!

YOUNG WOMAN

I’m helping you out, being a good friend and making you a better Halloween costume. You should thank me! Now lay down your sword.

YOUNG MAN

I’m Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. 

YOUNG WOMAN

You look nothing like Jon Snow!

YOUNG MAN

This isn’t about his cheekbones!

YOUNG WOMAN

What is it then?

YOUNG MAN

I just feel so helpless—like Jon Snow did, but then he learned how not to be helpless.

YOUNG WOMAN

You know what my greatest fear is?

YOUNG MAN

What?

YOUNG WOMAN

That one day I’ll wake up and I’m a giant chicken finger sub. All these frat bros are eating me and I can’t move. I see friends in the distance and they’re all dropping dead, one by one, and I can’t do anything to help them. Meanwhile, there are people I can’t see saying “thank you” over and over again—and it keeps getting louder and louder until I can’t take it anymore—then everything goes black. What do you think it means?

YOUNG MAN

You hungry?

YOUNG WOMAN

Yeah, I am. Wanna go to Jim’s?

YOUNG MAN

I’m in. Should I lay down my sword?

YOUNG WOMAN

No, bring it with you. We don’t know what’s out there. 

YOUNG MAN

I am the sword in the darkness.

YOUNG WOMAN

Sure you are. Happy Halloween.

(They exit as the lights go out.)

END OF PLAY